The 3 H’s. Hair loss, hormones, and hell.

Postpartum hair loss is no joke; I was thinking it was going to be bad for maybe a week or so… WRONG! I’m currently 8 months postpartum and this shit is still falling out in clumps! Not to mention the baby hairs that started to come in, some are gray! I really thought that I was going to dodge that stage, it didn’t hit me until about 3 months after my son was born. There are things that you can try that are a possibility of reduced hair loss, but I didn’t want to add another thing to my list. I let Mother Nature take her course, and she really slapped the shit out of me. Honestly, I took “exhausted new mom” look to a whole other level.

However, I did try the “if you cut your hair it will reduce the loss”. Let me tell you, that statement is false. All it did was piss me off because the way I used to do my hair, no longer looked the same. Making me look more homeless than I did before.

Hormones, those pesky little bitches never went away, but they did lighten up some. I have never been a big crier, I grew up with 2 older brothers that gave me something to cry about if I started up. I guess you can call it a form of PTSD. Anyway, I cried over the stupidest shit while I was pregnant and for about 4 months after! I would literally watch my child shit himself and I’d start up because I couldn’t believe I made a whole human. My husband couldn’t stand me, even though he never said it, I knew he secretly wanted to throat punch me every time I’d start up. Once you start, there’s no backing down either. It’s like the floodgates of hell just busted open.

Speaking of hell; this anxiety that comes after having a baby is really exhausting. I will stay up and watch the baby monitor while he sleeps, just to make sure he is still breathing. Anything that we do I think the worst. Even if I am carrying my son, walking into the kitchen, I think about how to land if I trip and fall.

Since we got home from the hospital my son has slept in his own room in his crib. We abide by all of the safe sleep rules and it doesn’t help when it comes to my anxiety. Thankfully I never got onboard that depression train, I feel for those women who weren’t as fortunate. I guess my time in the military was enough for one lifetime.

My anxiety likes to come up and bitch slap me on everyday tasks. I’ll be changing my son’s diaper and then wonder if it’s too tight, if I’m hurting his baby jewels, if how I put it on will give him a rash. There is not stop to it, and I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel either.

Now let’s bring up the fact of our saggy, stretched out, mushy bodies. I looked like a deflated Michelin man for months! Body dysmorphia is a real shin kicker, especially when you’re one of those people who struggle with body image to begin with. I am now back to my pre-baby weight, it took me 5 months to get there. However, I don’t look the same. I now have hips and my pre baby pants don’t fit the same. I have this lovely extra skin that likes to flip over my jeans and these boobs that communicate with my belly button. This “mom bod” is pretty depressing. Let’s add that to the list of anxiety; knowing that you will never look the same and always wondering if your significant other is still attracted to you.

But hey, if you and your baby are healthy then that’s what matters. Hopefully these issues (if you have them) will disappear and you can go back to feeling normal; whatever normal is.